To keep it short: my ex-wife cheated on me with this guy, we divorced, she married him immediately after. Since January we’ve been co-parenting, she has our son (14 years old) for 2 weeks & I have him for 2 weeks. Her now husband is wealthy, and for the winter holidays they plan on going to the Maldives for 3 weeks (I agreed to give up 1 week of my 2 weeks; gonna get +1 week with son after the vacation). Apparently son has been asking his mom and stepdad if I can come as well. So ex-wife calls me and asks me if I’d like to go, all expenses paid by them, just to be with our son and have some fun - and let’s “put all the bad blood behind”. I told her I’ll think about it, but honestly I don’t think I’d feel comfortable. At the same time going would make son extremely happy obviously. Idk.
You’re allowed to not be ready to do something like that even if it would make your son happy. It’s okay to put up boundaries for your mental health.
This is the best answer.
This is a boundary I would definitely not cross. Not only would this fuck up my mental health, but there would definitely be some kind of argument that would happen during the trip that would just make the whole experience regrettable and worsen the situation between all parties.
If I were OP I would definitely say no and instead explain to the boy why it’s not possible.
At 14 years old, the boy can probably understand.
Well he obviously wants to spend time with his dad, which is great.
Maybe OP can find other activities to do on vacation. Like renting a cabin or cottage somewhere near a lake or river. I know I loved to go on fishing trips with my dad. Or doing campfires and roasting marshmallows, etc. I miss the 1on1 time we spent together.
Sounds to me like the kid is also having some feelings surrounding the breakup and subsequent remarriage that aren’t being addressed. Why does he want you to come too? Is he hoping it might bring you and his mom back together? Does he feel uncomfortable around the new stepdad, and wants you around because he’s more comfortable when you’re around? I think if you have a conversation with him as to why he’s asking for you to come too, it might influence how you approach the situation, or at least give you a better way to explain why you can’t come due to your own reasons.
I know this is a difficult decision on your part for how it affects you, but your son is also in a very vulnerable position right now, and needs both of his parents paying attention to him and the feelings he’s having, even if he doesn’t know how to express them directly. My parents broke up suddenly due to cheating when I was around the same age, and it was a traumatic time in my life because my parents both assumed I was old enough to “get it.” I wasn’t. Family is one of the main sources of stability in a young person’s life, and to have it fall out from beneath you isn’t something you get over on your own very easily.
There is no way you should do this. Not only are you clearly having reservations to begin with, but you need to keep your dignity intact, too. The whole affair is just going to be rubbed in your face. You deserve better than that.
While your ex may be coming from a ‘good place’ she shouldn’t have asked, out of respect.
Your kid has feelings about the divorce but he’s going to have to adapt to this new reality that your ex chose for him. It is her fault he’s going to be disappointed, not yours.
This comment really just hits every nail on the head for me. It could be that the ex is feeling bad for what happened, but wants to divert the blame/bad feelings onto OP.
It’s also rich to me when the cheating partner is ready to “put all the bad blood behind them” as if they don’t want to live in the stink of what they did any more. They’re happy now, why can’t you also be happy with them? Etc etc. As if they didn’t blow up everyone’s life with their choices.
One downside here is the kid is going to be told, at least as far as he can understand it, that daddy didn’t want to go. And the kid, not understanding the nuance of the situation, won’t understand that it’s because mommy fucked up their relationship.
If it were me, I’d go and do my best to enjoy the trip. Babysitting duty doesn’t sound so bad when it’s your own kid and you get to share travel experiences with them.
I lived through this one, as a kid. It sucks all around. I’m now older than my parents when they split, and have an assload of insight into the matter. I carefully watched the whole thing unfold over 25 years, before I was out of the ordeal, living on my own, and away from watching the two people I cared about most be nothing but complete shitbags to one another.
They’re happy now, why can’t you also be happy with them?
Oh how wonderful, maybe at one point they can sit around the campfire, eat smores, and sing kumbaya
I feel differently. I don’t know the ex or their partner of course but I see it as an olive branch. They share blood through their child together. They’re going to have to be around each other regardless of how things ended. The only person who loses with this grudge being held is the kid between them.
I yield that I have never been in the position of loving someone and being betrayed like that. I know it evokes strong feelings and I’m not minimizing that, but it doesn’t really matter at this point whose fault it is or who chose what. None of these bad feelings will ever change what happened or who that person is. The only thing you can change is your own behavior in the future and to manage your own feelings and expectations with that person so it doesn’t happen again. Fool me once, fool me twice and all that.
So I’m not saying you have to forgive and forget. I wouldn’t ever put the ex in a position of personal closeness or trust ever again. If that’s what this is to OP then 100% stay home. However, if I am correct in seeing this as a chance to acknowledge what happened, move on, and lower tensions between them for the kid’s sake, then I think it can be positive. It’s also a valuable lesson for the kid to show them the ideal way for an adult to behave after interpersonal conflict, how they as an adult should ideally work through tough feelings.
It depends on the person though. If you can’t move past those feelings, if you can’t model the ideal, which would be completely understandable, then the best thing is probably not to go. Work together with the kid to help them understand the situation. Might be time for a heart to heart with them and to let them in on the feelings you’ve been dealing with so they can fully understand what’s keeping you from going.
Sounds a bit annoying to go on a trip with just you, your son and the couple that cheated on you. I assume you’re not just going to spend all the time with your son, are you the type who has an easy time entertaining themselves alone in such a place? Otherwise, that’s a lot of time to spend third-wheeling with a couple that you’re not particularly fond of.
You will be used as childcare repeatedly for their fun.
And they will make you look like the bad guy in front of your kids if you flinch.
Prepare for that.
I’d kind of see that as a bonus. Some time to bond while on a nice vacation on someone else’s dime would be cool especially if it meant not having to deal with the ex and the new guy as much. Definitely don’t go if you’re not going to be civil with the ex and him though (which would be understandable given the circumstances). Ruining the trip for everyone else won’t gain anything other than possibly resentment from the kid.
Childcare… Of his own son?..
You know parents who, you know, love their children, actually want to spend time with them, right?
You know a whole lot of parents don’t love their kids and don’t want to spend time with them, right?
I’d absolutely assume mom & new dad would have several romantic dinners and activites alone while bio-dad entertained his kid.
edit; oh I see someone grew up in a loving household and assumes they’re all like that
I don’t think the guy would be pondering on here about going if he didn’t love his kid and didn’t want to spend time with him.
Why did you assume I was talking about the dad?
Even you were talking about the dad, why did the kid suffer because of the mom? He won’t be blind to their actions regardless
I didn’t say the kid suffered?
It’s a shitty spot for bio-dad to be in. Kid may see it for what it is and may not. If I were the dad I simply wouldn’t put myself in that sitatution. They can go enjoy their vacation and I’d spend the time with my son after.
I only saw one other comment talking about your son, so I’ll chime in.
Make sure to hear your son’s voice. This is his way of trying to make a connection with you and maybe more. Hear him out and don’t reflexively respond. Spend time making sure he feels heard and loved. And whatever you decide, he’ll know that his connection with you is strong. I don’t know what level of processing you’ve done with him, but I can imagine it getting a little back burnered as you work through the betrayal and grief.
Agreed, great answer. As a fellow parent, I know that connection with your kid is far more important than whatever “dignity” you’ll “lose” from going on the trip.
He’s probably old enough (only you know, OP) for you to even talk about your discomfort with going, and to be open about your personal pros+cons of going. Who knows what he’ll say, but it sounds like a good conversation to have.Having your kids watch you lose your dignity is not going to make a good relationship.
They are very attuned to that sort of thing. If they watch one parent allow and invite the other to trample on them the kids will also lose respect.
This!
She wants to have some kind of cake and eat it too, at YOUR mental expense.
No.
You’ll be teaching your child that what she’s done is okay. Your child will learn things about relationships that aren’t good.
Years later? Sure.
Months later? Hells to the no.
No. Others have already said why, I’m just adding my vote.
Don’t do it
Would your ex go if the situation was reversed? Would she be willing to “put all the bad blood behind”? Not if she had any self respect. Frankly, I think just asking you is an insult in itself. It puts the onus on you to be the “bad guy”.
Your feelings are completely valid. Your son is old enough to understand the basics. DO NOT GO. She’ll ask, but don’t bother explaining why. She lost her right to know your heart when she betrayed you.
It is awesome that your son wants to spend time with you. But I also think a 14 year old is old enough to understand that you don’t want to go on a long trip with his mother and her new husband.
This trip is just one thing, maybe discuss other things you can do after the trip with just the two of you.
The Maldives is a very small enclosed space. Whatever Island you go to, or resort you go to, there’s not a lot of diversity of things to do. You’re going to see everything very quickly, and most of your time is going to be " relaxing ".
If you’re in the mental space to be able to look past your ex-wife and their new husband. Go. Hang out with your son, go skiing, go fishing, crab hunting, paddle ball, anything.
If, however, even seeing your ex triggers emotions in you that you can’t control. That’s going to be a problem in a very small enclosed space.
Up until he’s laying by the pool and he sees his ex and new husband canoodling in it.
I know this isn’t 100% on topic but I recommend you want this TED Talk by Esther Perel about infidelity. It might give you some different perspective about cheating and how to deal with it. Take a watch and see what she has to say. She is highly regarded and a very helpful.
I do think you should go after having a conversation with your ex-wife and child about it. Talk with your child about what they hope they are getting out of it and set some expectations about you wanting to spend most of your time with them. Tell them you might be angry about the situation which has nothing to do with them. Do the same with your ex-wife and say you want to go but you might be angry at points. Say it out loud so everyone is aware before it happens.
You can’t fully disconnected from these people since you have a kid with them without hurting your child. Its going to be tough and rough but this might be a good crash course into your new relationship with your ex-wife and her new husbands. You don’t have to like them but be friendly enough in front of your kid.
Also free fancy trip. Count it has blood money for the infidelity if that helps you
I’d feel super uncomfortable with the whole thing basically being in control of the dude.
