I have a lot of friends in marriages/ltr and it seems like someone is always compromising on something they originally thought they were looking for. You often hear “not who I was looking for, but who ended up being perfect for me” or similar lines. I’m not encouraging lowering standards, but I think we’ve all experienced shifting priorities for partners. What are some “musts” that you became flexible on and how did that turn out? What are some “nevers” you became flexible about and how did those turn out? Your experience might not help everyone, but it could provide insight to others.
Some personal examples: Must: like reading I had a long relationship with someone who basically never read anything. I still had friends I could talk to about books, and they spent their time building things. I realized it’s a nice plus, but not a necessary part of a relationship for me.
Never: workaholic I had a year long relationship with a workaholic. They tried so hard to back off from work, and I knew I was important to them, but so was their job. I ended things after a year because of this. Still a never again, but I’m taken now so hopefully it won’t matter going forward.
You must log in or register to comment.
This is a great topic thanks! Something I was always agreeable to was a partner that was a project, that needed help with their MH. What i learned was there’s a million miles between “here’s my issues, here’s what I do about them” and someone who doesn’t acknowledge that. So it was a would to an absolute no under any circumstances because the relationship was a disaster, I was horribly hurt and long term I made no impact on them.
I was a “never” about people with kids when I was younger cos I’ve no clue with them. That definitely changed because I really saw my role would never, ever be parent to the child… step parent is different, you’re not there to raise someone’s kid for them. That wouldn’t be respectful. I’m embarrassed I was so rigid on it when I was younger!
That whole project partner thing can be overwhelming and sometimes even damaging or traumatic. I’m glad you were able to set up some healthy boundaries for yourself.
I feel like even the step parent role can be a challenging one for younger people. It still takes a lot of patience and grace, but definitely often distinct from a primary parent/guardian role. Thank you for sharing how your views have evolved on that!
Step parenting depends so heavily on the situation - my step kids bio mom was such a piece of work they did and do come to me for more of the mom stuff, though they were teens when we got together so it wasn’t little kid parenting, more like college and financial and relationship advice. And my ex was off the rails and on the booze for most of my younger kids life so husband was more of a dad to them, though they call him by his name. One of my good friends yelled at me when I said “husband’s kids” he says no way, you have to love them & parent all equally it is not his or yours they are y’all’s.
So I agree in the situations where the other parent is competent & involved, be a friend not a parent, always talk up the other parent like they are awesome and always defer parenting decisions to them. But that is not a universal rule by any stretch. Sometimes the step parent is the best parent.
ETA: when my husband divorced his ex, he got custody of his kids but also his step kids, and the courts here heavily favor the mom. She really was that bad, and apparently still is. My ex has sort of had a redemption arc, he quit drinking and that helped him a lot, he has not dug out altogether but is doing much better.
My partner advertised herself as being more of a nature girl than she actually was. She told me later that she was just trying to impress me. While that was disappointing at first, there’s so many things we have in common that it wasn’t an issue. And it’s honestly better now because we take things at her pace and she has a better time, like for instance, we spend an hour at a nature trail and then go to brunch as opposed to a multi-day camping trip. It’s very nice.
Me feeling like I needed whoever I’m with to go camping with me is something I realized I could let go, just like OP said, because I can find other people in my life to do those things with. I think sometimes we come out stronger by letting go of our expectations.
That’s sweet she was trying to impress you, but a bummer it was just talk. Glad it worked out well in the end. I also really like camping and my partner does not. I actually prefer going solo because for me it’s about being able to blend into nature and be free from constraints which even a partner can add. We also do short hikes and such together and it’s been a really nice compromise. Really love your line “sometimes we come out stronger by letting go of our expectations.” Thank you for sharing your experience!
I will garden & do plenty of homestead-ey stuff, appreciate the natural world so much but camping, that is a hard no. Hiking is nice, the beach, the springs, the forest. Not sleeping outside voluntarily, had quite enough of that involuntarily.
Had a child. Now a single parent to that child.
The things that don’t deeply matter can be compromised and if your partner is reasonable (in the “what we owe to each other” sense of the word) it will not be an issue.
But if something deeply matters to you; don’t compromise in the least.
If you don’t know what deeply matters to you, then you have a serious problem. The fastest approximation method is write down your must haves in a priority order (kind, smart, funny, wants kids, etc) then look at the top 1-6 items and odds are those (or a subset of those) are what deeply matters to you.
If the partner is not reasonable (in the “what we owe to each other” sense of the word); don’t consider the relationship at all. It will only end in pain. Vibes and feelings don’t last but shared reasons, goals and dreams do.
Yea, I think this relates to the idea that we learn a lot about ourselves through our relationships. I think my idea of what “deeply matters to me” has changed as I’ve grown. Things that I thought would come up every day have not come up at all. Feels a little like the joke about stop drop and roll or quick sand. Based on how much I thought about them as a kid, I figured they’d be very relevant, but in actuality it’s always something different that becomes important. I always considered myself a reader and that felt very important to who I was and I wanted to share that with a partner and have them value learning about the world in that way. Turns out it isn’t actually that important to me. I would never have known that if I didn’t allow myself to go out with nonreaders, since books are always a big part of my relationships with readers.
There are obviously things individuals should not compromise on, but now I think I align more with the “date around” camp. I’m not saying you should compromise, but for me, being willing to explore preconceived notions of what makes a relationship work and what I really want in a partner was helpful. Part of that is also knowing when something is going to waste your time. Being willing to cut things short or off early if things aren’t going well. I used to be really committed to making things work, but I don’t think that is helpful when taking a date around approach. That’s just what felt right for me. I obviously am not saying it works for everyone, I just think it helped broaden my perspective.
