I have a lot of friends in marriages/ltr and it seems like someone is always compromising on something they originally thought they were looking for. You often hear “not who I was looking for, but who ended up being perfect for me” or similar lines. I’m not encouraging lowering standards, but I think we’ve all experienced shifting priorities for partners. What are some “musts” that you became flexible on and how did that turn out? What are some “nevers” you became flexible about and how did those turn out? Your experience might not help everyone, but it could provide insight to others.
Some personal examples: Must: like reading I had a long relationship with someone who basically never read anything. I still had friends I could talk to about books, and they spent their time building things. I realized it’s a nice plus, but not a necessary part of a relationship for me.
Never: workaholic I had a year long relationship with a workaholic. They tried so hard to back off from work, and I knew I was important to them, but so was their job. I ended things after a year because of this. Still a never again, but I’m taken now so hopefully it won’t matter going forward.
Yea, I think this relates to the idea that we learn a lot about ourselves through our relationships. I think my idea of what “deeply matters to me” has changed as I’ve grown. Things that I thought would come up every day have not come up at all. Feels a little like the joke about stop drop and roll or quick sand. Based on how much I thought about them as a kid, I figured they’d be very relevant, but in actuality it’s always something different that becomes important. I always considered myself a reader and that felt very important to who I was and I wanted to share that with a partner and have them value learning about the world in that way. Turns out it isn’t actually that important to me. I would never have known that if I didn’t allow myself to go out with nonreaders, since books are always a big part of my relationships with readers.
There are obviously things individuals should not compromise on, but now I think I align more with the “date around” camp. I’m not saying you should compromise, but for me, being willing to explore preconceived notions of what makes a relationship work and what I really want in a partner was helpful. Part of that is also knowing when something is going to waste your time. Being willing to cut things short or off early if things aren’t going well. I used to be really committed to making things work, but I don’t think that is helpful when taking a date around approach. That’s just what felt right for me. I obviously am not saying it works for everyone, I just think it helped broaden my perspective.