Straightforward: my 29-year-old son is dating a 16-year-old girl he met at a jazz festival this summer. Openly. He had a same age long-term girlfriend until last year, when they broke up amicably. We really loved her, she was basically our daughter-in-law and we’re still in touch. His current girlfriend’s parents know about their relationship & are cool with it. For the record: it’s also legal in our country. We don’t think it’s right though, he’s a grown ass man while she’s a high schooler. He’s also very successful professionally, handsome, takes good care of himself, has a good personality, etc. so it’s not like he’s lacking options. He just says he likes her - that’s his why. He’s not a bad person, I know that, but still this whole situation has changed our perception of him quite a bit. We’re having a rough time to say the least.
From your post, I can’t quite decide what worries you most about this relationship… I’ve written and rewritten this comment multiple times because of that.
The usual concern with such an age gap would be that he might take advantage of her and her lack of experience. That’s a valid concern that should be addressed. But It doesn’t seem to be what’s bothering you.
With you starting your post by telling us about his ex who is completely irrelevant to this story and your relationship with her, then later list off how great your son is and that “it’s not like he’s lacking options”… I can’t shake the feeling that your problem is more with him having a partner that could be considered “below his own status”. It feels like you would react just the same if he dated someone closer to his age but not as successful or good-looking. And to that I must say, that’s none of your business. Let your son love whoever he wants to love. Let him make his own decisions and when it comes to it, his own mistakes. They obviously share some interests and he’s old enough to decide if she’s “good enough” for him.
Yes, that’s my concern - the girl being hurt. The part about his ex was to highlight that he doesn’t have a track record of dating younger girls or unstable, toxic, abusive relationships. The part about him not lacking options was to highlight that I don’t understand what’d logically get him to do this; since most men who date young girls do it because they can’t get someone their own age and are looking for someone who can be easily manipulated. Has nothing to do with the girl “not being good enough for him”. Hope this clarified it.
Well, have you tried asking him why he picked her? Note my choice of words here. Specifically don’t ask him why he didn’t pick someone else but what he likes about her. My personal guesses (!) are: they share an interest in jazz music, they had a good time together at the festival and she doesn’t expect him to act like society imagines “an adult”: she lets him make up for something he missed when he was younger.
About her being hurt: he’s your son, you know him better than we do. Do you think he’s the kind of guy who would do that? If not, look out for signs that it might actually be happening instead of relying on your expectations. Stay in contact with her parents. At the same time, make sure she’s comfortable talking to you. That way you will know if something happens. But please don’t accuse either of them of something that isn’t actually happening.
What the f do you mean by ‘what’d logically get him to do this’. Why are you saying it like he specifically went into high schools looking for young girls to date? Is that what happened? I dont think so. People meet people and fall in love. Should he reject her just because you have prejudices against age gaps?
He should reject her because he should be opposed to such a large age gap. FWIW this fails the half + 7 rule by a LOT (5.5 years).
Why should he be opposed to age gaps? This argument bases on it being wrong by default, but why would that be the case?
I hope you are not serious about the rule meme being an indicator
We should be opposed to significant* age gaps in principle because we cannot trust the person who has power in the relationship, nor the one who doesn’t, to determine if the relationship is healthy or dangerous.
*honestly, the 1/2 + 7 meme is shockingly accurate at determining this
I 100% agree with you and what you are saying is already being enforced by law. OP already clarified that they are both of legal age.
Surely the law can’t determine what the morally correct age is, because the law varies by state.
Exactly. Which is why Im wondering how so many people here are extremely confident that they can.
No, he should reject her because she’s a child and he’s a grown ass man.
Shes clearly not, OP clarified that she reached the age of consent
The issue is she’s too young to have enough experience to know better. “Fall in love” required you knowing what that is. They fell into lust at best at that festival, and he persued her. They are in totally different level of experience and she can’t be experienced enough to know what should be expected in case she’s being taken advamtage of.
How can you decide that for her? You know nothing about her except for what OP shared through that very biased introduction. I know 30+ year old people who have worse critical judgement and life skills than a 12 yo, age doesnt automatically grant you that.
Im not saying it should be ignored, but as long as it is illegal and there is no ill intent on either side there is no basis for interfering.
Her brain is not developed enough yet. Its not just some conservative opinion, it’s a scientific fact that her brain is not as developed.
Its also a fact that she has a fraction of the life experiences. She can’t know what things should be like because she has no experience.
Another fact is that they’re in different places in life. She’s still working on being a student, and he’s working on his career. They don’t have any life they can share in common.
Get out of here with your “ephebophilia is ok” shit. It isn’t.
Yes, the brain is not fully developed until 25. Are you saying relationships before 25 should be banned?
Absolutely no one knows what things should be like. Living a longer life does not magically grant you critical judgement or wisdom
That applies to most couples. An easy example which was very prominent for most of humanities history is housewifes staying at home while husbands went to work. Did that prevent them from having a working relationship?
This has probably nothing to do with ephebophiloa. You have absolutely no evidence of him being attracted to her specifically because of her age and OPs description does not suggest so either. It is really disturbing how people here all reduce a person just kn their age. Why does being with a younger person automatically mean that this single aspect is what moticated the relationship? If you are with an overweight person, does it mean you have an obesity fetish? If you are with a small person, does it mean you are only attracted to small people? That is so prejudiced.
I think you are looking for contra arguments while already being set on the premise of such a relationship being wrong in every single case, instead of approaching it from a neutral stance arguing for both sides.
I never said relationships between 29yo and 16yo are good in general. Most would be problematic statistically. But given this current instance, it is legal and there do not seem to be any signs of abuse or ill intent. Based on that, I dont understand why people are judging it based only on the age difference.
Yeah, and Epstein only sold sex with children because they were really mature and actually had great personalities!
Okay now you are just desperate. I never said there are no pedophiles or sexual predators, you are strawmanning. Epstein is your argument against the relationship of two specific, completely unrelated people? Then ‘OJ killed his wife’ is my argument against your relationship, so break up.
His age isn’t the problem