my dad specifically has really been feeding into hypermasculine, gun-loving, “true American” MAGA nonsense. I am gay and while he has no issue with me or my partner he continues to align himself with people who do not believe in my right to exist. He didn’t believe Elon did a nazi salute. He said I was listening to the liberal propaganda. Now that trump has pulled out all the stops and continues to implement project 2025, I question whether I can still be in contact with him. Even if he is not (outwardly) rooting on everything, him not condemning what is happening to me seems like he is doubling down on his beliefs.
I am drained mentally and honestly think that he will continue supporting the destruction of this country and the rights of millions all because he idealizes their “alignment” with masculinity, guns, the military, traditions, etc.
How do I approach the topic with him and tell him it’s either me or these beliefs/trump? Is that selfish of me? I know some people say that this will only further the divide but honestly I feel like things now are irreperable and I should not be involved with people who turn a blind eye to fascism.
No, it’s not selfish, although I’m sure that’s what he would want you to think. You should do what is best for you.
Lol, these comments saying it’s selfish.
Selfish would be pushing that trump hate in your sons face.
Just like cheerleading the federal job massacre when both of your kids are feds should get you ghosted.
I would only spend any amount of time around him that you feel you want to, as someone who feels that way, you owe them none of your energy.
You don’t get to always be in someones life. That’s not a constant. If you act like an asshole, that person may simply decide for their mental health to get rid of you completely. And that’s on you.
When people make mistakes, they apologize. But when someone is just telling you who they are, listen.
Obviously, your mental health and well-being and that of your partner are the first consideration. Please do whatever the two of you need to survive the times.
That said, when I read, “it’s either me or these beliefs/trump,” I wondered how you would have reacted if your dad had said you have to choose between him and being gay/your partner. I assume you might have shut the door in his face, felt good about it, and never looked back.
I doubt he’ll feel any different about it.
fair point
is it wrong to cut yourself away from nazis?
I’d rather be left than right on that.
Speaking as someone who did similar:
You will never be able to make him understand why you’re cutting off contact. You may not see that now. Spork knows, I didn’t for a few years. But it’s true, if you try to explain he will simply try to debate or he’ll push you off as immature.
To save your own sanity, all you can do is cut ties completely.
Other people here may offer differing advice. Some of them haven’t been through this situation, so they can’t know the torment you’re going through.
I can only speak from my experience.
Cutting them off was the best thing I did for my mental health. Cutting them off was not easy. I still think of them sometimes, of what might have been. But I’m comfortable with my decision, I’m confident I made the right one. Through plenty of evidence-based psychology, I now understand the reasons.
Getting back to your first question: sometimes, it’s good to be selfish for the right reasons. Maintaining your own health and well-being? That’s the right reason.
Your father’s desire to hurt people is far more selfish than making him discuss something. But if you make him discuss it, he will only act threatened and refuse to see your point of view.
You will only begin to heal once you cut him out of your life. I don’t say that lightly.
Again, if someone hasn’t lived through a situation like this (and hasn’t had to make the same hard decisions), they can’t understand. So don’t be afraid of the naysayers.
I hope you’re feeling better now. I haven’t lived through the situation you’ve been through, but I believe you made the right call.
If you value someone in your life, their opinion on something this important should matter.
If someone isn’t willing to truly listen to the opinions of those closest to them, even if they disagree with those opinions, then they do not value those people as much as those people value them.
Man this is a fucking bummer… As someone who hasn’t spoken to my parents in months for the same reason, I hope you’re wrong.
Nope. Do it. I did. It’s rough at first, but it gets better over time.
You won’t miss him. You’ll miss the idea of who he was, but then you’ll realize he was never the person you grew up believing in/admiring.
Sometimes you grow up and your dad stays your hero. Other times, you learn he’s a narcissist misogynistic selfish small minded person.
Cut people like this out of your life.
While you could try to deradicalize him, you absolutely don’t owe anything to someone who not only has failed his duty as a parent to support you, but also actively opposes your rights.
(also, reminder that there is no such thing as a ‘Roman’ salute)
Good luck with this, it’s a cult.
When I found out my mom voted for Trump the first time, I didn’t speak to her for a year. I only did then because she reached out to say she was wrong (a first for her).
When I explained (more like yelled) why I wasn’t going to have anything to do with her, I told her in detail how she was betraying everything she raised me to be. She used to sponsor the LGBT club at the school where she worked and I told her she was betraying all those kids she said she cared about.
It isn’t a choice between you and Trump. It is a choice between your dad being the type of man he raised you to be, or not.
My best friend at work is a dyed-in-the-wool conservative. He will never not be - and I rush to profess that he is not an asshole…he just thinks conservitave/republican is the side he needs to support probably because that’s what daddy did, dunno. We see eye-eye on most other things.
We do not agree on anything political except that everyone is way too heated up over everything. We are still friends, regardless.
My point in responding is that his gay daughter disconnected from him after Trump v.1 - would not take a call or interact in any way. This is painful for my friend and he has been confused by it but does not realize why his daughter won’t engage. I think she is offended that his political choice doesn’t allow for her right to exist and, frankly I agree with her.
I think my friend has lost his daughter forever because he is a stubborn man. I hope your dad can open his heart to accept you.
Have you ever explained things to him about his daughters viewpoints? Just tell him “Ya know, (his name), I’ve been thinking. People with (his hair color) shouldn’t have the right to exist. People with (his hair color) are just no good, rotten nasty people! They don’t have the right to live on MY planet, breathing MY air! Right? Don’t you agree?”
And make it as absurd as actual racism/homophobia is. Make it clear that you hate him for things he was born with, and he now has to pay for being a dirty (color) hair’d person! Don’t be shy. Be as hateful as you’ve seen people like that be.
Then ask him how he feels about you. Get him yelling at you. Get him insulting you. Ruffle his feathers. Smile at every insult he hurls.
And then tell him "What I have just shown to you is a mirror. I have acted as you have acted to your daughter. These are the messages she hears you saying to her. It was hard to hear wasn’t it? You didn’t want to hear a single further thing out of my mouth. THAT is the same experience that your daughter has when you spew those same messages at her.
YOU are an individual. YOU have the ability to change your views. All I can do is hold up the mirror to show you what version of you you’re projecting into the world. Your daughter is an individual, and she has the right to live her life any way she wants. With or without you. If you care, it’s up to you to be the version of yourself that she wants in her life. Not the version you try to force into her life."
After that, there’s literally nothing more you can do. Slap him with reality, and if he continues to be shitty to his family, he can die alone.
Oh yeah get them angry at you, than they’ll calmly sit by and listen to reason despite never reasoning themself into their belief in the first place.
Just be honest, tell him his choice is for a country that actively hurts his daughter. If he doesn’t hate her, why enable her suffering.
no. the entire personality of a trump supporter is donald trump. cutting yourself off from them at this point is not about politics as far as I’m concerned. it’s about morals. these people have shown, as many as two times, that they are cool and support every thing he does and says. that’s a moral issue. and cutting out the people who have the same morality as trump is not a you problem.
Your mental health must come first. You can’t fix others if you’re broken.
There is never any change without pain. You are in the right.
You want him to realize he’s in the wrong? It takes pain, like the pain of “Why don’t my kids visit anymore?”
If this is cruel, remember they’ve been doing this to you first.
you can’t demand people to change, it has to come from within. you can only talk to them and try to change their point of view. that certainly may not work in this case. your issue is not about if your father can live without you, but if you can live without him. if the answer is yes, then spending less time with him may be better for your mental health. also, you don’t need to cut ties immediately completely. you can do that gradually to see if it is the right decision for you.
No. I ended my relationship with my mother for voting for him a second time. She saw the harm he caused. She knew the harm he would cause to people I love. She is willfully blind to his faults. I can’t tolerate that anymore. Neither should you. Cut the cancer out and don’t look back.
Not selfish at all.
I’ve cut so many people from my life. I have a rule. If you exist in my life, and all you do is make me angry, there better be a REASON you’re making me angry. Like when I was TRYING to get my dad to accept help from the government a few years back. His roof is failing. It’s only getting worse. Our city has a roof replacement program for seniors. Totally free roof. His house is rotting. When it rains outside, it rains inside.
So yeah, I fought him for 2 years trying to get him to take the roof.
Yeah I made him angry, but it’s because I care about him. And the fight is about getting him to take care of himself.
Unlike my sister, who will call, just to argue, and fight, with no real reason. I don’t answer her calls.
And when I’ve had “friends” that only care about you when they need something, fuck off. I’m a generous person, who people think they can take advantage of. And I guess they can to a certain extent. I don’t mind helping those in need. But there comes a point when you realize “I only see this guy every few months, and only when he has some sob story, and needs something”.
THATS when I stop talking to friends. OR when I realize that I’m ALWAYS the one who has to innitiate contact. Like if I just stayed silent, the friendship would just be over. Ok then. Guess you never think about me if I’m not already in your presense. I don’t need those people in my life.
