Straightforward: my 29-year-old son is dating a 16-year-old girl he met at a jazz festival this summer. Openly. He had a same age long-term girlfriend until last year, when they broke up amicably. We really loved her, she was basically our daughter-in-law and we’re still in touch. His current girlfriend’s parents know about their relationship & are cool with it. For the record: it’s also legal in our country. We don’t think it’s right though, he’s a grown ass man while she’s a high schooler. He’s also very successful professionally, handsome, takes good care of himself, has a good personality, etc. so it’s not like he’s lacking options. He just says he likes her - that’s his why. He’s not a bad person, I know that, but still this whole situation has changed our perception of him quite a bit. We’re having a rough time to say the least.

  • dfyx@lemmy.helios42.de
    616·
    9 days ago

    So let me summarize:

    • He is happy
    • She is happy
    • He is very open about it and introduced her to you
    • She is everything you could wish for (except her age)
    • Her parents are aware that she’s dating someone older and are fine with it
    • It’s legal
    • He doesn’t have a history of abusive relationships
    • They have at least some shared interests

    And yet you still can’t give this relationship a chance based on the vague feeling that you “just think it’s inappropriate”?

    While I agree that an age gap this big - especially if one is only 16 - is a red flag and should be watched carefully, you’re against it for all the wrong reasons. As long as she is safe and they are both happy, give them a chance. Be prepared to step in if - and only if - there are signs of either of them being taken advantage of. Otherwise, support them the same way you would support them if she was ten years older. As long as everything stays healthy and legal, nothing you could say would make them reconsider their relationship. Criticism will only lead to him not telling you about his life anymore. To you not noticing if something does go wrong. To him not feeling comfortable breaking up with her when they are not happy anymore. To her not being comfortable breaking up with him when they are not happy anymore.

    Approach this carefully and with empathy. Everything else will alienate you from your son and might drive him to bad decisions.

    • MagicShel@lemmy.zipEnglish
      192·
      9 days ago

      16 -> 29 is a huge red flag. They are in completely different places in their lives, or at least ought to be. There is an inherent power imbalance due to maturity and finance differences.

      Could it be a happy, healthy relationship? Odds are extremely thin, but probably non-zero.

      • dfyx@lemmy.helios42.de
        412·
        9 days ago

        From my personal experience this “ought to be” is the problem. Once you get your first job, everyone expects you to drop everything that you’re passionate about and start behaving like an adult. That can be overwhelming and I wouldn’t judge anyone for wanting to keep that cozy feeling of being young for a bit longer. And as long as all important responsibilities still get taken care of, why not let adults be as childish as they want, whenever they want?