was supposed to watch a couple of my favorite (dog) clients last friday, but their owner missed his flight, so i just went and took them out for a walk. still got paid the full day rate. 😎

went to go watch a sheepdog trial on saturday morning, which was really cool! talked to several people there, including the lady who owns the farm. saw a couple of people smacking their dogs, though (including the owner), so i don’t think i’ll be doing any herding lessons there.

saturday evening we had our annual beer party (everybody brings a 6-pack of something to drink, and we throw them all together in a big bucket of ice). the dogs did really well up until about midnight when they started getting cranky, so i turned in early and let my partner watch the party-goers for the rest of the evening.

sunday was whiffle ball with friends followed by challengers, and oh my gosh, what a movie. absolutely loved the whole thing.

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Still doomed 🙃 Stressing over another talk with my host, who is… kinda difficult, honestly. I can’t tell what’s available to me (in any context) nor what I’m even supposed to be able to accomplish in any amount of time but I’m supposed to “advocate for myself” even knowing there’s someone who needs this room so like… what the fuck am I supposed to do, beg to stay and somecritter who’s in the same situation I was gets beaten or shot by their father but I get another week of accomplishing fuck-all because I need six sorts of support I’m never gonna get but what I get is a week at a time and expectations to just get my shit together and get a job without even somewhere to stay while I work?

So I went from hopeless and in danger to hopeless and about to be in danger somewhere else. Worst part is, my host has some of the same major issues that I do, so every time we talk I feel like there’s some understanding there, or understanding to be had. She even recognizes it as an accomplishment for me to manage to get out and take the ten-minute bus ride to Burger King. Does not seem to recognize how screwed I am, how much of an impossible ask it is to just dump a pile of “resources” on me and think I’m gonna call them all, etc.

…I said I wasn’t gonna wall-of-text you lot <.<; Sorries! Please pretend it’s just a little nibble of whine 😓

Couldn’t work half the day today, because my internet wasn’t working. Took me all morning to (not) find the problem and fix it. I had to reset my network drivers and restart my pc to fix it.

My personal laptop is connected to an ethernet cable. My plex server is connected to that same network via a switch in my office. Both were connected, but had no internet. The weird thing was that my work laptop was all fine, even when I turned off the wifi and connected the ethernet cable.

I even crawled up into the attic to see if no mouse had chewed on the wires or something.

One of the downsides of staying (mostly) on top of my university work, including the group project, is when it comes to a soft deadline and other people aren’t done yet even though I am… that just means more work for me. I narrowly avoided getting assigned a difficult task (moving the project forward into the next stage) by proactively volunteering to take over an easy task that two of my fellow students hadn’t finished. Thus, I spent the morning generating trees instead of importing dozens of 3D models at variously disorganised scales into a single scene. Which was honestly a relief because I am so drained and burned out and exhausted.

It’s been good, objectively, but for some reason I’m not feeling it.

My medication has been amazing for getting me through the workday. For some reason my brain instantaneously converts boredom to anger, plus I tend to fixate uncontrollably on really negative things. I don’t think I’ve freaked out or embarrassed myself at all since starting the medication, though.

I’ve hit all my gym goals this week, which I haven’t done in months, so that should be a good sign for my mental health, too.

But I don’t know, I still feel like a sad, lonely person. My friends all have such great relationships with each other even when I have to walk on eggshells around them. I can’t make friends offline because I have nothing really interesting to bring to the table.

Plus I’m dreading cutting my hair because everyone is so nice to me now that they think I’m femme. Actually I just had a lot on my plate and stopped cutting my hair and dressing up for a while.

I’ve gotten permission, so I’m excited to share this news with you, my Beehaw fam, the same way I told my biological fam:

Life, uh, found a way.

I feel like I’m bouncing back from losing some bad friendships, I feel happier and more hopeful

Way busier than we expected. Lunch for 16 (bachelor party…not the right fit since we are a local family joint) & Catering pickup for 22 before service on Saturday made it a good day before we even got started. Sunday we were wiped and unexpectedly filled it up for lunch.

Today is our Thursday so only 1 more day until our weekend.

Starting off my week with a crown on a molar that decided that chewing wasn’t really an activity it wanted to participate in. Heartened by how my team performed on last Friday when I took a day off, and there were some escalations/failures.

My PT starts in earnest this week so I can start going back to the gym! Nine weeks of being stuck at home was not fun

Maybe I’m depressed, I don’t know. I feel so disconnected when everyone else has a wife and a beautiful family and a passion they’re chasing, and my only accomplishment ever was leaving my mom’s house.

My new medication has been wonderful, I haven’t had any embarrassing meltdowns in a couple of weeks. I hoped my friends would be happy for me, but they all hit real milestones the same week, so it got swept aside pretty fast.

Most challenging teaching experiences of my still new career. I’m having a lot of anxiety over how students are responding in one class, if I’m getting through to them, and adjusting lesson plans and my lectures to ensure I am. I’m teaching a very difficult subject, with a history of students failing out of it. So after taking it over from the last professor, I’ve toned it down. It’s a “why we budget” class and most of the students are either a) completely accounting illiterate but great at decision making or b) accountants and don’t understand why we’re talking about theory and decision making. It’s a bit of both, across all major sectors, which makes it notoriously challenging for professors and students. Trying my best, but I’m loosing a lot of sleep over this class.

Am I getting through? Why did only 2 students provide mid-term feedback? 1 positive, 1 not so much? All fair critiques, and fair praise, but where’s everyone else? Is anyone actually doing the readings or is my approach (you read, you research a little, then I lecture and summarize what you need to take away), not working here?

Struggles, and I also decided no scotch this week which was my “I am home now, not in the classroom” mental break from the day.

Getting a new mechanical keyboard next week. Other than that, it’s been average.

I’m aimlessly lying in bed most days. Apply to jobs and hear nothing back. Can’t remember how long this has been going on.