Thereās this rising narrative going around that if you ask specifically for a CIS partner, youāre a transphobe. That could be true for some people but itās not fundamentally related to bigotry. Moreover, this narrative, the āif you only want a CIS mate then that is prejudiceā is trampling on one of the most important rights a person can have: the right to choose who they want to get intimate with.
First of all, transmen are in fact men and transwomen are in fact women. Letās get that out of the way. This isnāt a foot in the door for ātrans this really isnāt thatā narratives. What this is about it is the freedom to choose who you want to be intimate with. That right is sancrosanct, it is absolutely inviolable.
And yes, thereās plenty of issues that make transgender dating a special issue. If someone reveals their TG status they can be open to hate crimes and even deadly violence. However all marginalized groups are special in their own way. As a black man I donāt think itās racist if a woman says she doesnāt want to date a black man. I face oppression, too. My class is special in its own way. One group isnāt more special than the other. None of us have the right to force ourselves upon those who donāt want to be intimate with us, even by omitting who we really are.
Really, if you have to deceive or hide who you are in order to date someone, do you really want to date them? I wouldnāt. Thatās not fair to you and youāre denying them their right to choose who they want. What do you think will happen when the person wants a CIS mate and they discover the truth? Theyāre going to get pissed and dump you. Now you have to shame them into staying with you: āIf you loved me for real this wouldnāt bother youāā¦ thatās not going to convince anyone. Theyāre either going to leave, or theyāll resent you forever. Thatās just how it is. You can be mad at that but thatās about as effective as protesting the rising of the sun. Thereās just no way to win once youāve gone down that road.
āI want a CIS mateā is not the same as ātrans women are not womenā - one is a preference, the other is harmful prejudice. On the flip side CIS people who do date trans people shouldnāt be shamed for their choices either. A man should be free to date a trans woman and not catch flak about it. Trans people should be able to be openly trans and not face hate speech or threats to their well-being. This, without any exception whatsoever.
The fundamental fact is when you shame or worse abrogate peopleās right to choose who they want to get intimate with, itās not going to end well for you. All youāre going to get is people who resent being coerced or bullied to date people they donāt want to. And thatās not something the country, or the world, will ever put up with. Except that right now, most people donāt imagine they can be labeled a transphobe just for wanting a CIS mate. And unpopular opinion: that should be nipped in the bud.
Thank you for this response. I can totally understand your points. The true transphobes out there have given a bad name for anyone who only dates CIS people.
Rather than pushing to have people explain why they prefer CIS only to show theyāre not transphobes, I would propose a compromise: these same people should not be questioned about their preferences but they also should not offended by trans people or those who date them. Help make a society where trans people arenāt second class citizens. Though some people will say āonly dating CIS people makes trans people second class citizens no matter the reasonā and I really canāt hope to satisfy them. I think we go down a dangerous road if we start demanding why someone doesnāt want to date someone else and they havenāt given off OTHER bigoted vibes.
I donāt think thereās a solution that is going to make everyone happy but Iām willing to join the dialog (in good faith) to keep tinkering until we find the best one that respects everyoneās freedom of choice.
Oh yeah, the assumption of bad intentions is not a good thing either, I generally try to assume the best of people when other signs of ill intent are missing, so I totally get it. I just point out the clarification aspect for if you want to head off the more defensive folks at the pass is all.