SUGAR LAND, TX—Confused by the man outside who was not wearing a UPS uniform or carrying a package of any kind, local suburbanites expressed bafflement Thursday when they looked out their front windows and saw a person walk by who wasn’t delivering anything. “Huh, our Amazon orders already came today, so what’s this guy doing?” said resident Felicity Truesdale, admitting she was at a loss to explain the presence of an individual outdoors who was dressed in casual clothing and, instead of holding a DoorDash or Grubhub bag, was completely empty-handed. “I don’t understand why he doesn’t go inside. He’s heading down the sidewalk at an ordinary pace—where could he possibly be going? I should probably call the police just to let them know. I assume that’s against the law.” At press time, Truesdale had reportedly decided to play it safe by evoking her state’s “stand your ground” law and shooting the man dead where he stood.
As a suburbanite myself, what’s a sidewalk?
It’s that exercise at the gym where you walk on one hand and foot. Walking on your side.
I’ve been so stoked to see the number of cyclists in my city grow significantly during the Covid times. My city is the definition of suburbia and in the last one to five years, bikes have become a regular sight. I too was forced outside on account of Covid and decided I liked it out here.
- this comment is brought to you from my backyard hammock
“Hi!” the automation greeted the man on the sidewalk. “You are being recorded!”
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Yes, it’s in the title…
Broke: not reading articles, just reading titles
Woke: not even reading the titles
The crazy thing is that it needs the clarification that it’s from the onion
Yeah I saw in the title that it was The Onion, but from some of my interactions with people I do believe you could write this article for real if you talked to enough people.
Good job, you somehow made it to the end of the title.
